My First Child, The Honey

How I celebrated my failed relationship and unemployment by opening up a bookstore using my wedding fund.

Sarah and Ireen, two 11 and 12-year-old girls, were the first clients of the day for my tiny bookstore. Nestled at the end of a hallway, the bookstore featured rows of books, hot air balloon lanterns floating high on the ceiling, and the sound of wind chimes as they felt a breeze approaching. They could catch a whiff of the vanilla-scented candle coming from the bookstore. As they entered, they were quiet at first, admiring the color-coded books lined up row by row in the mahogany bookcases illuminated by twinkling fairy lights. Ireen eagerly approached the coffee table with paint brushes and canvases laid out for their upcoming art class, while Sarah admired the illuminated globe between the sailboat figurine and a music box placed on top of the bookshelf.

"Welcome to The Honey Bookstore," I greeted my guests, my apron covered with dried paint wrapped around my waist, ready to start my day as the owner of my bookstore.

"Someone else will love you more than me," Joe uttered over the phone.

My first love broke my heart over the phone after I confronted him about his infidelity. We wouldn't have broken up if my sister had kept her pinky promise about Joe's secret. Joe had established that pinky promises held the highest power to keep a secret of one's infidelity. Those were among the many red flags that slapped me in the face, and that was when I knew the rose-tinted glasses were shattered.

Suddenly, the flashes of my memories of his serenade, our "I love yous," and his warm touches were burnt away by memories of his screams that silenced my sobs. He destroyed me when he demanded his share of the wedding money we had saved up. I hustled my way with every drop of blood, sweat, and tears to save up for our future, while he worked hard to convince me of his excuses for his lack of contribution. I used up every ounce of my strength to deny his demands as our wedding money was MY money. Joe stopped asking me after that.

Joe and I went our separate ways. I was replaced by his Tinder dates the day after we broke up. Joe was someone I couldn't live without, but I had to keep going on with my life without him. I didn't want to. Trust me, all I ever wanted was to stop. I still kept going despite that because I deserved to know what not giving up on myself felt like. Fortunately, I never wasted any opportunities that came to me.

An opportunity presented itself when Joe took to social media and openly villainized me. I couldn't take it anymore; enough was enough. I no longer wanted him to have the power to humiliate me. Instead, I posted comedic videos of myself that led to thousands of views, which eventually led to me getting up on stage. I took the microphone and had hundreds of people laughing with me. My series of misfortunes drew laughter from the audience once I set foot on stage, from the painful heartbreak I'd endured to Joe's belief in the power of pinky promises. For the first time in a very long time, I felt free. When the spotlight was on me, I knew right then and there that I had the power to tell my story and no one else should say otherwise.

Another opportunity came knocking when my artwork was chosen to be showcased at an art gallery. The artwork was a self-portrait I illustrated that Joe showed much dislike towards. Maybe in his eyes, just as he saw me, it wasn't enough. Luckily, I didn't let his words stop me from showcasing it to the Sultan of Brunei. During that moment, I no longer sought anyone's approval as I received something better, the highest of compliments from the king.

However, not all of my opportunities were within my grasp when I lost my job during the pandemic. My finances were depleting, my mental health was tested, and my self-worth was faltering. I didn't know what else to do, so I picked up a book and started reading again. During those times when my face was buried in a book, fully immersed in my world of adventure between its pages, it reignited my childhood dream of owning a bookstore. The young me would get excited over the scent of books, touching their spines as I walked along the aisles of bookcases, and the exciting read-aloud sessions that I'd eagerly participate in during those sessions in the library. That was when my drive to fulfill my dream awakened, and I began my business venture as a bookseller. I never looked back. I didn't realize it then, but the missed opportunities I had before were the universe trying to tell me something. I didn't know it until I read a quote that said, "The universe will never give you peace in something you were never meant to settle in."

"The universe will never give you peace in something you were never meant to settle in."

I felt the quote deeply as I deposited my remaining wedding money to open a shop. Initially, I thought with that money I'd be married with children of my own by now. I never dreamt the first child I'd have would be a bookstore, a place that would create meaningful memories for all the guests who entered. From the movie nights we curated for our clients to the local author's meet-and-greet events, art classes, and musical performances. Who knew that throughout the years of raising the bookstore, the very place I curated to invite people to make memories with their loved ones would also be the same bookstore where I created beautiful memories with my friends and family. Eventually, it became the place where I began making more memories with my then-boyfriend and his children, who I now call my husband, Mr. Honey, and The Honey's new siblings, as well as my bonus children*, Sarah and Ireen.

The day I had the key to my bookstore, I was greeted by a bare storefront nestled at the end of the hallway, all covered with dust and cobwebs, with the whiff of paint coming out of the door. As I unlocked the door to my empty shop, standing in the middle of the room where I had the whole place to myself, during my moment of silence, I felt at peace. It was the beginning of the life I dreamt of.

Definition of bonus children*:

"Bonus children" is a term used to describe stepchildren in a positive and affectionate way. Instead of emphasizing the "step" aspect, which can sometimes feel distancing, "bonus children" highlights the additional love and relationships that come from blended families. It reflects a more inclusive and loving perspective on family dynamics, recognizing stepchildren as a valuable and cherished part of the family. 

Written by Sallyhani Hazman